Is my breast cancer upsetting you?

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I didn't realize that I was going to have two problems - breast cancer AND a family who had a family member with cancer. My fragility was stained trying to take care of them and warding off their upset. There was actually a third problem and that was friends seemed to want to share cancer horror stories they knew of. I finally realized that in their discomfort they didn't know what else to talk about. I survived it all and am stronger for it.

I know the hardest words I have heard was on Aug 26th of this year that I had breast cancer, I am one 2000 men diagnosed yearly with breast cancer, it was even harder to tell my wife, she is putting up a good front, but I hear her crying, I have seen the puffy eyes, the doctors have told me, all should be okay but we all know there is nothing for certain, my best little helper is my little 6 year daughter, she knows I have cancer, but not how bad it could be she is always by my side asking if she can help me with anything, always wanting to help me feel better. my wife is a strong person, but this is being very hard on her, probably more than me, I try not to burden her, doing as much as I can for myself, but I feel she thinks I am keeping her out of the loop, just the oposite, trying to show her I am okay and we will be okay, not sure what else I can do to make it easier on her, a couple of our friends have asked about her, but again what you can do to make it easier on the family

Meezermom - I am sorry that anyone would treat you with such coldness. Smoker or not - no one deserves to suffer lung cancer.
Yes, being overweight can impact your health - this is true, but for someone who is not a Dr to tell you that your weight is the cause of all your issues is plain mean and throughly unhelpful.
I apologize if I am too forward - is your brain tumor cancer as well?
I ask because I too have a brain tumor, however I am fortunate that it is not cancer. BUT that doesn't mean it is not dangerous to me - it poses a serious threat to my eyesight and pituitary function. I must have a crainiotomy to have it removed, no through the nose or corotid artery for me.
This will be the second go around for me with this tumor and with managing everyone else's fears.
C'est la Vie I guess.
I wish you all the best as you strive to recover from your illness - I urge you to seek friendship outside of your normal circle - with other patients and survivors
Seek friendship from yourself. What I mean is to look inward and appreciate yourself, draw strength from within - when someone is mean or cold or indifferent or makes you feel like you don't count- remember that it is their crap, not yours. They cannot deal so they respond inappropriatly
If you need to cry about what someone says to you - go ahead, get it out and then move on. Life is too short without any health challenges - don't spend your time worrying about people who can't get out of their own way so they try to get in your way too to keep you in their miserable circle.
And believe me I cannot follow my own advice every day and I am cynical to the max on most days - but I try to remember that I count and it helps
My Best,
Lily

Not mentioned in the article, but touched on, is the terrible time drain that "keeping everyone in the loop" is. There just isn't enough time!

I was fortunate to be referred to caringbridge.org, a free ewebsite that allows you to set up an interactive journal. I urge all who have ongoing health issies in the family to look into it. No strings.

It has been a real blessing. And it saves so much time, I don't leave someone out, plus it takes the burden off other family members who try to take over the 'information officer' role. Visitors to the journal can leave messages and photos to share.

Please believe me when I say I mean absolutely no disrespect to those with Breast Cancer; but, I am a woman in my 40's who was diagnosed in July 2007 with Rectal Cancer and from day one I have not been able to understand why Breast Cancer gets sooo much more attention. ALL Cancers are horrible and need to be addressed the same. It should not matter if it was caused from a lifestyle choice or inherited. Everyone who is diagnosed with whatever type of cancer is terrified and forced to face their own mortality. All loved ones, co-workers, family, friends, etc., react the same to every type of cancer.

In Short, if we are talking emotional affects, all cancers need to be treated as one.

How true this article is.  After diagnosis, I spent more time putting a smile on my face and making rote upbeat comments about my condition than I did taking care of myself.  As much as I know my husband loves me, he was terrified and unable to offer me the support I needed.  In order not to make him he more frightened than he was, I smiled when he was around and cried in the shower.

Years later I became a support group facilitator and met with a group of men and women with different types of cancer on a weekly basis with a co-facilitator.  The same story was heard over and over; the patient became the care giver.

Reading this article makes me realize that little has changed in a decade.

Wow!  And I thought I was crazy.  Several years ago it was determined that I had a mass in my breast.  There is a history of breast cancer in my family so I prepared myself for the battle ahead as though the mass was cancerous.  I went in for a lumpectomy and was prepared to wake up either without a breast or a plan to fight it.  My family and husband were so odd when I felt I needed them most.  One daughter didn't call me at all, the other acted as if nothing was going on.  I had to calm my husband down at the hospital pre surgery.  I awoke to semi great news.  There were two masses and both appeared to be non cancerous, but I was diagnoised with the mutant gene that raised my chances to develope breast cancer even more.  This required me to visit an oncolgist who gave me the options of removing my breasts, taking tomaxifin or the conservative route of wait and see.  The day of the appointment my husband abandoned me to take our 18 year old to NYC for a fun day to sightsee and hang out. The decision was hard and scarry and I felt all alone. I was hurt and angry as I never left his side when he battled cancer a few year before.    I recently addressed this with him and his response was that he was remorseful and knew he was wrong but was so scared at the time and couldn't face the problem or me.

Now I know why they all acted like they did.

I am a 20 year survivor of Stage I breast cancer.  In addition, I was the caregiver to my mother as she died from uterine cancer.   Thus, I know from experience that being the caregiver or bystander is harder than being the patient.  As the caregiver/bystander of a loved one, you feel so helpless, so alone.  As the patient, you are very involved in your own fight.  Please have patience with those who are your helpless-feeling friends.  They are truly suffering and grieving for you and their own loss of innocence and are trying to ease their own horrible and overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

Oh, men are such babies. What else could we expect?

This article is sooo true.  I was diagnosed 2 years ago with Stage 2 Breast Cancer.  I immediately had a double mastectomy, then chemo, then radiation.  95% of my family and friends handled it much WORSE than I did.  I too spent my time being brave around everybody.  Heaven forbid anyone show me sympathy!!  My (grown) kids handled it by getting very angry with me, for everything I've done their entire lives.  During my treatments I was reminded of the things I did wrong starting back when they were in High School!  I spent alot of time defending myself and my actions to my kids, until I spoke with a counselor and she told me to quit looking for approval and to realize that I am the patient!  When I had my mammogram, they took me straight to the Ultrasound room.  The Radiologist told me it was CANCER.  I went out to the car and cried a little bit.  That was the only time I cried for my CANCER.  The rest of the time was spent putting up a good front for everyone else!  And everybody told me how great I was, how well I was handling the CANCER!  What else could I do?  I wasn't special because of the way I handled it.  I just handled it.  Both of my parents are passed.  If only they had been with me, I'm sure I wouldn't have handled it so well. (I wouldn't have HAD to).  But for their sake, I'm glad they didn't have to go thru that with me.   I'm also divorced, thank God.  He's the kind of man who would have hit the road!
And I also agree with the poster about ALL CANCER is BAD.  Breast Cancer gets alot of attention.  Maybe because soooo many of us get it.  But, when it comes down to it, CANCER IS CANCER, no matter where it is located in the body.
Yes, I found myself urging my loved ones and caregivers not to worry about me, I was doing just fine.  Believe me, my older brother shed many more tears over my CANCER than I did!
And I went by myself for EVERY TEST that I had, other than the sterotactic biopsy. I drove myself to almost radiation treatment. And to Chemo too. Of course that was my choice. My children have yet to talk to any of my doctors, other than right after the surgery!

Is this article about John and Elizabeth Edwards?

I am a 23yr old, female, college student, military servicewoman -- and a 1 year survivor of Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I remember the moment that I was told I had cancer, and having to console my mother...and then break the news to all of my family members and friends. There was no time for me to be upset, because I felt somewhat guilty for upsetting people that I love dearly. The few times that I did break down were done in private, because no one would have been able to handle seeing me upset...they were having a hard enough time watching my physical deterioration from chemo and radiation. I also found that I spent much of my time making jokes about the situation, to ease the tension of having a sick person around. I only became irritated a handful of times, because I felt that people were being too selfish to realize my needs.

As of Sept 26th I have been in remission for a year. I was able to re-enlist in July. I will graduate from college in May. I know how fortunate I am, and appreciate/value my life (and the lives of my loved ones) immensely.

Additionally, I wish that all cancers got the same focus as breast cancer. I understand that my form of cancer is highly treatable, but there is no such thing as a "cure" for any cancer. I'm all about promoting the cause of the pink ribbon...but all I'm saying is to promote the Purple Ribbon - the cancer SURVIVORS ribbon - and promote all cancer research.

I realize October is breast cancer awareness month, but is anyone else out there suffering from compassion fatigue? I am so tired of pink ribbons. I know there are millions of breast cancer victims, and only 8,000 of us Hodgkins patients -- so how about some violet ribbons? It's supposed to be a highly curable type of cancer, patients have even been told by doctors that if they could choose which one to get, it would be HD. Crazy, right? Some folks don't even consider it cancer. I have had a recurrent form since 2001; the only time I'm sick is when I'm being treated with chemo -- otherwise, fabulous.
Sorry, PET scan tomorrow and check up with my oncologist next week. Always makes me nervous, edgy, panic-stricken . . .

I didn't find this article helpful at all. What exactly is it saying? Don't show your loved one that you are scared and upset by their terrible news because they might feel they need to comfort you?

I think it would have been a much better article if it gave some practical advice on how to handle this news, how to support the patient and also deal honestly and most importantly, in a productive way with each other about needs/expectations/hopes/fears. Maybe assure the patient that these reactions by people who love her are to be expected but that the patient must choose where to direct her limited energy. Maybe taking responsibility for your spouse's terror and hiding your own isn't your only option.

Frankly, I would be extremely surprised if all the people I knew and loved turned into rocks of support just because that's what I needed at that point in time. They are who they are.

Finally - some recognition for this phenomenon! (And I'm sure breast cancer was tied to this article because of it being breast cancer month - but it does apply to all cancers.)

I am currently dealing WITH the second cancer of my lifetime. Had one when I was a teenager and now a totally different cancer at the age of 52. And yes, I have to be the strong one. Some days that's a real pain. I'd just like to run and scream and stomp my feet and cry and carry on, but I can't because it will scare those around me.

As they say, A WOMEN'S WORK IS NEVER DONE!

I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer earlier this year. I had a dbl mastectomy and have been doing chemo for months.....Trip.Neg. means it is not a hormore related cancer, and about75-80% of all breast cancer is related to hormones.

I took a cardboard display project board and made a science project of my cancer, incl. copies of the radiology reports, pics of the MRI images, etc. I sat my entire clan down (about 14 people) on a Saturday after lunch and gave them all the news at the same time. I could not face having to tell one after another, over and over. I also knew my cancer was different than most, and wanted my family to understand what I had, why it was different from someone else they knew, etc. I also made each a booklet with info on the type of cancer I had, some info on the surgery I would have, etc. Finally, I gave each a coupon with their listed duties of how they could help me in the stages of my illness and recovery.

NOTE: To the person with Lung Cancer who never smoked. Maybe 2ndhand smoke was the cause -but how can you be sure you are blaming the souce and maybe a person in your past for the illness. Raydon, a gas in the ground causes many cases of lung cancer, as well as exposure to many other things. I hope you are not bitter and blaming someone who smoked around you for all this?

I am glad I faced it the way I did and think it would be good way for many to deal with announcing the news.

I agree. I have had a nodule in my neck for over a year and recently was diagnosed as being a neck tumor (Schawnoma). And during this year I have had a dog with cancer dying that I hospice and another older dog both depressed over the loss of the other dog and now dying of both depression and old age symptoms. I have had to be the care taker, though everyone else insists they have helped- clean up vomit and feces and other messes of these poor creatures failing bodily functions, but they didn't and taking a dog out once in awhile isn't the only needs of an ill animal. I even sat with the one dog outside for his last night of seeing the stars and talked to him about it being okay to die and that I loved him ( he was one of the best dogs in the world and I think he knew I was ill too.) But I do not regret being there for them, they were there for me when humans weren't and I would never treat a dying animal worse than I would my beloved Grandmother. Putting an animal to sleep is too easy and since I do not believe even in the death penalty, how can I so carelessly take a life just for convenience. It is not easy being me, it seems to be my path and must mean something.

I am so sorry any of you have had to go through this physical and emotional trauma. I know that I can not begin to imagine what you have all been through and my heart truly goes out to you and your loved ones.

I will say that I think people have a very hard time dealing with not only illness, but loss and grief as well. In many cases, others are likely scared to death of YOUR diagnosis because it scares them, or makes them uncomfortable, so in turn you are easing their pain. Our society does not deal well with this and it is unfortunate for those who are truly the ones in pain. Sometimes a simple "I am so sorry for what you have been/are going through" and a hug of support would mean the world...instead you are stocking up on tissues to comfort others who have been "inconvenienced" by your suffering.

Strenght to all of you.

It happened to me over & over when I was being treated for cancer 9 years ago. My parents both avoided visiting me because "we have never had a daughter with cancer before and we don't know how to act. It is too upsetting to us." !!!!!! They didn't visit me in the hospital even once after surgery and they only came to see me at home after I confronted them. It was sad. I would NEVER treat my child like that. Some other people avoided me too. I try not to dwell on it, but it is something I will always remember and it was so hurtful. By the way, I was never looking for sympathy from anyone. Just a hug (especially from my mom) and maybe a little support. No one wanted to touch me- maybe they though they might catch it!

Mental illness is also an issue. I too am diagnosed with Major Depression and people are just downright weird and ignorant when it comes to mental illness. It is no different than any physical illness and sometimes worse because it is invisible. They often forget that people like me LIVE with our mental illness- there are good days and not so good days- and we are FULLY functioning members of society. I think I am actually "better" than them because at least I am aware of my strengths & weaknesses and I try to live my life to the fullest when I am well. And I won't even go into the stigma associated with psychiatric hospitalizations.....even by my family.....

Also, I agree that people forget that women do have other cancers other than breast cancer. The only support groups available to me were for breast cancer. I had tongue/throat cancer. And, NO, I HAVE NEVER SMOKED A CIGARETTE, USED SMOKELESS TOBACCO OR CHEWED TOBACCO. I am always asked that...............

its not just the women who must consul . i watched my best friend break down in my living room . i truly felt bad for him as i did for the rest of my family when i told them . its just a really misunderstood disease . the problem is that no one else knows that we dont want to be treated differently . i went to work did things tried to keep active as much as possible and that god awful chemo and radiation would allow . my friends and family soon realized that i was no different than before . it was just a medical problem i was dealing with and that if i remained positive they did too. so if a friend or family member contracts this its not a signal they will die . i was diagosed with stage 4 terminal brain lung and liver in feb 2008 as of my last scan 9\29\08 i am cancer free thanks and good luck

I don't know if I buy the premise. This seems like a made up article just for headlines. We realize its Breast Cancer Awareness Month. How about an article that has some substance, and not just some questionnaire done in one SF university with 160 patients..

Lets be clear, if anyone treats a person differently because of the type of cancer they have, then they are a moron--plain and simple.

Besides, whats wrong with a loved one breaking down after hearing that someone they love has breast cancer? Seems like a human reaction to me. If someone acted cool as a cucumber after I told them, then I'd start thinking that maybe that person didn't love me.

I guess I'm not the only one who is suffering from compassion fatigue about breast cancer. YES, we are all aware of breast cancer now. Thank God that breast cancer is highly curable now. I wish I had breast cancer instead of the rare terminal cancer that I suffer from. There are no foundations for bile duct cancer. No support groups. No pink ribbons. No 5K walks to raise money. No "buy pink" products.
I like the American Cancer Society because they support the fight against ALL types of cancer and don't discriminate in favor of one or another.
I'm sorry for every one who has to fight cancer of any kind. I'm a single parent, and I know that it's hard to deal with my kids and my parents who want and need me to be strong. Yet sometimes it's hard to be strong when you are suffering from the side effects of chemo or other treatments.

I am a stage 2 uterine cancer survivor and I have to agree with Pros63 about all cancers should be treated as one. When I was first diagnosed and then going through surgery and recovery my husband and a dear friend of mine turned my diagnosis and treatment as a "Oh feel sorry for us, do you know what we are going through" thing and they had all of their friends and co-workers sending them sympathy type notes and helping them to get through the hardship of this ~ meanwhile I made it through fine and without their support as they were both so disfunctional over all of this and it truly was as if nothing was ever wrong with me. I look back at it now and just laugh and shake my head. At the time it was hard though. Now I'm grateful for all of it and I hope I will be compassionate if someone I know is ever diagnosed because before this I had no idea what an emotional struggle it is to be diagnosed with cancer and worry that you might not be around to raise your kids, now I do. Every day is a blessing from God :-)

There is a great web site that was founded by my ex wife and a friend of hers call BreastFriends.com they also have another organization called First I Cry. I lost both my grandmother and mother to breast cancer and as my mother was dying from this horrible disease my wife was diagnosed with it. As a grandson, son and husband at the time I have seen enough Oncology doctors and spent every treatment of chemo with my wife. Please take a look at the web site and if you can help support it great. My ex wife has had both breast remove one for precautionary reason and Becky her friend had a recurrence of hers. They founded this while working full time and now receive some funding from Susan Komen foundation. Take a look it will be worthy your time. Blessings to all. It is not a death sentence and to the males out there you are an intricate part of the support that needs to be there. Sharon was a hoot about losing her breasts, as she said, she never had much to start with and since she had augmentation done years before she said I am not losing anything that is mine anyhow.